This weekend I went and saw 10,000 B.C. with Tanya…. and boy was it a piece of crap. It was around 90 minutes I’d guess, but it felt like several millennia.
Putting aside all of the glaring historical inaccuracies for a moment, the film was a by-the-numbers bore. From the script I could have farted out, to the Last of the Mohicans “I’ll find you no matter where” moment, to the ending you could see coming from 10,000 years ago, the film did nothing but disappoint.
And it was so damn cheesy. Wise woman sees trouble coming. Warrior falls in love with pretty maiden. Maiden is kidnapped by evil primitive dudes, but not raped. Warrior chases after maiden. Warrior kills evil guys. Warrior kills evil leader. Warrior frees slave peoples. Warrior saves maiden. Maiden and warrior go home and raise family. Kisses and love and happiness.
Now on to the historical inaccuracies. Domesticated Wooly Mammoths twice their actual size? Metal swords? Huge sailing ships? Handcuffs? Pyramids? Gold, Silver and gem-encrusted jewelry? Saddled, domesticated horses? Chili and corn crops? The list goes on and on. I know it’s just a movie, and it’s not supposed to be historically accurate, but c’mon! If you’re just going to do whatever you want, why not include a guy with a musket? Or Pterodactyls? Or Thor?
Then there’s the other stuff that was just weird and/or infuriating. Like the fact that one of these primitive motherfuckers suggested that the “Evil God” came from another planet… so these guys understand space, planets, and the possibility of extraterrestrial life? Or the fact that the “God”, and leader of the evil bad guys was a fat white man who sort of looked like Darth Vader without his helmet. Then there’s the fact that countless slaves were killed, but when the throng of violent warriors stormed in to the building with all the cowering priests, the action cut away, and no priests were seen getting killed. I guess it’s okay to show the death of regular folks, or gods, but not of priests. Or the fact that a gigantic sabre-toothed tiger would jump into a camp of men, growl, sniff the hero warrior, and then turn around and leave.
All in all, it was a wooly-mammoth sized turd. I give it 1.5 cave paintings out of 50.